


i would have told you (i would)

by leftoveramericano



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Non-Idols, Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-03
Updated: 2019-04-03
Packaged: 2020-01-04 09:24:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,667
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18340814
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/leftoveramericano/pseuds/leftoveramericano
Summary: Soonyoung knows that he is too late, yetstillalso too in love with Minghao.





	i would have told you (i would)

**Author's Note:**

> this is just a self-indulgence based on my own [tweet](https://twitter.com/sebongshinki/status/1074573174929424384), really.. also i'd suggest you listen to day6's "i would" as you look into the lyrics while reading this..

_“What? You got dumped again?” Soonyoung chuckled without even sparing a glance at Minghao who just let out a loud huff in obvious frustrated tone. He slumped his lanky figure just beside Soonyoung who was laying flat on his back on top the concrete school rooftop._

_“I wouldn’t mind it if it was the only case, but look!” Minghao shrieked in disbelief as he pointed his swollen cheek and looked down at Soonyoung, slightly blocking the clear blue sky for his hamster-like friend._

_“Holy shit.” Soonyoung laughed, slowly setting himself up to the sitting position like Minghao did. Leaning his back against the wall instead this time with hand slowly caressing his best friend’s cheek. “Dude, what did you even tell her?”_

_“I just told her that I didn’t want to move too fast for a relationship that hadn’t even lasted for a month, but she was so eager to get into my pants.” Minghao put up a self-defence, to which Soonyoung replied with a light punch in his shoulder._

_“You just simply have too many troublesome values for someone who hasn’t even reached his 20s. Enjoy the youth, man. Have some sympathy for a virgin like me.” Soonyoung teased him around as he rested his head on Minghao’s shoulder, giggling even louder when he realised how Minghao pouted and let out a muffled ‘shut up’ with his hand slowly stroking his own swollen cheek, replacing Soonyoung’s own that was there just seconds ago._

 

_(Or more like, as soon as their fingers brushed against one another, Soonyoung just felt this sudden electricity rushed in and without second thought decided to just pull his hand away)_

 

_“But on a serious note, you do get it, don’t you?” Minghao asked, and it was all that it took for Soonyoung’s laughter to gradually subside. “I treasure the person I like and myself. I respect the both of us in my own way, one of which is to go further if the bond between us sure has strengthened.” Soonyoung just nodded his head still resting on Minghao’s shoulder. Cuing him to continue since Soonyoung knew that it wasn’t all that Minghao had to say. “Is it really lame? For wanting those intimate moments to be, you know, memorable and such?”_

_“It’s not. I understand it very well, Hao.” Soonyoung felt himself relaxing against Minghao’s shoulder. “That’s what makes you a great man, anyway.” He shyly whispered against his best best friend’s shoulder, hoping the remark would get carried away by the wind._

 

_Along with all these feelings he has for him._

_“What is this, you almost sounded like you have a crush on me or something.” Soonyoung could feel his eyes slowly fluttering shut as he felt the sudden burst and spark of thousands butterflies just dancing around inside his stomach. Forcing out the feelings and desires he had been keeping for almost three years. The way Minghao giggled and gently placed his head just above his own didn’t help his heart and senses to calm down at all. If anything, such gestures triggered something within him to just throw himself into the hole of regret he would probably, well, regret for the rest of his life and risked the friendship they had been building throughout their high school years._

_But Soonyoung couldn’t bear it any longer, somehow, after that very second of Minghao giving him a rather suggestive utterance straight out of harmless joke._

_“If I told you that I, in fact, do, what would you say?” Soonyoung whispered back. Little bit quieter and shakier this time._ I had done it now, hadn’t I? _Soonyoung just knew that it would change his friendship with Minghao immediately as soon as he realised how the head resting above his own was stiffened, along with the shoulder that he rested his head on. For some reasons, Soonyoung couldn’t find any strength and reasoning to free himself out of this mess like he always normally could. He could’ve immediately burst out laughing at Minghao’s face and told him that he was just joking, and then proceeded to make fun of his best friend’s dumbfounded face for at least two weeks from there on. He really could have, but something within him, again, just encouraged and pushed him to let it there. Hanging on the edge of cliff that could either push him into that hole of regret he was thinking of earlier or pull him back into much safer spot where he could finally breathe without worries in his head anymore._

_When he felt Minghao pulled himself back almost instantaneously and soon positioned himself to sit facing Soonyoung, he knew that he was walking one step closer towards the edge. He didn’t even budge or want to look at the expression his best friend had right at the time._

_But he was wrong. Almost._

_“Soonyoung. Look at me.” His voice was firm, yet still reeked of the usual tenderness that never seemed to leave every time he talked to him. Foolishly making Soonyoung fell even much deeper than he thought he already did. “Hey, did you mean it?” Soonyoung still didn’t want to answer Minghao, let alone the the question that he just threw at him._

_He could see from the periphery of his vision how Minghao was slowly dragging his body closer to his own. He could feel his heart started to beat and pace up its tempo for every time he felt Minghao’s breath ticked his skin._ Why didn’t you just laugh it off? Why must you sound like you actually consider it? _Soonyoung gritted his teath and slowly sinking his head against both of his ankles that he had pressed all the way against his chest as those thoughts running around his mind._ Why did it almost sound like you actually like me, too? _His rational side of mind kept telling him to not cry. Internally begged Minghao to drop the act and to laugh it off like they always did._

_But he gasped rather loudly and in utter shock when he felt strong pair of arms holding him in, and even pressing his body tighter against another familiar one. “Hao?” Soonyoung couldn’t help but to ask, and he really wanted to punch himself in the face as soon as he realised that his voice had come off frail. As if he needed Minghao to tell him that it all wasn’t a dream._

_“I’m actually happy.” Minghao started. “You asked me what would I say if you were to tell me you really mean it?” Slowly and very, very gently, Minghao pulled himself back with pair of arms still steadying Soonyoung by holding each of his shoulders. Soonyoung was really so close to crying as soon as he looked up and noticed how Minghao was smiling beautifully at him, with faint blush painting over his cheeks. “I would say that I’m actually happy, and that I think I like you, too, Soonyoung. Would you try going out with me?”_

_Exclaimed and certain_ yes _was the first thing that popped up in Soonyoung’s mind, but somehow, despite of the sky presenting a broad daylight scenery with piercing heat from the sun, the glimpses of possible nightmares to come started clouding his certainty. Even more so when he caught an image of much older Minghao crying and hurting in regret as he realised that the present Minghao in front of him had started to close the gap between them, aiming for his lips._

No _, his mind shouted at him._

_So Soonyoung harshly pushed Minghao away. So harsh that half of Minghao’s body landed on the concrete with a pretty loud thud to which Soonyoung replied with a soft mutter of apology. It was silence pouring over them for a while, but not until Minghao fixed his position by sitting and crossing his legs in front of him._

_“Was it only a joke?” His voice sounded so cold that it sent chills down to Soonyoung’s spine. He had never heard Minghao talked to him in that tone before._

_“It wasn’t. It really wasn’t, but–“ Soonyoung stopped halfway and used his time to study Minghao’s face first. He could tell that Minghao was afraid, yet also hopeful, but then the image of much older Minghao hurting flashed through his mind, and he knew that it was for the best. Soonyoung kept his head back down, staring the the rooftop concrete. “But I think that it’s better for us to remain as friends. These feelings will be momentary anyway.”_

_Soonyoung finally stole a glance at Minghao, and he could feel a sharp arrow was pierced through his heart in the most painful way when he noticed how Minghao looked like he was hurting and had just been betrayed to the very core. Soonyoung dared to even say that the Minghao before his eyes looked like he was in much more pain than the image of future Minghao he had in his mind just before._

_“Hao–“_

_“Maybe you are right. My bad.”_

_The last thing that Soonyoung remembered and heard was Minghao bolting out from the rooftop while shutting the door in so much force that Soonyoung thought he had broken it. If before Soonyoung was afraid of falling into the hole of regret, he should have known better that from there on Minghao’s existence had become a lingering ghost of regret that accompanied him along as he dived into the said hole._

—

“There you are.” Soonyoung whips his head around as soon as he catches that familiar gentle voice. “Uh, you might want to flick your cigarette or even better throw it away before it burns your mouth.” Minghao giggles as soon as Soonyoung mutters out, ‘oh shit’ as he quickly flicks the growing ash on his cigarette and excuses himself for a while to throw the remaining to the bin just beside him on the opposite end of where Minghao is standing. “So why is one of the most important actors of this very beautiful day secluding himself like this?” Minghao starts, idly whistling in a tone that irks Soonyoung in playful way.

“Well, I could say the same thing to you,” Soonyoung starts, slowly turning around to head towards where Minghao is standing against the walls that somehow manage to block off the chatter of crowd just behind them, settling himself in the same position with leaving just moderate gap between each other. “Mr. Groom.” He giggles as he starts to rummage his left side pocket, trying to get himself another stick.

“Hey, that’s enough.” Minghao is quick to wrap his fingers around Soonyoung’s wrist that has gone halfway deep through his pocket. Soonyoung is trying to remind himself that, _no, my heart didn’t just skip a beat_ as he recognises the familiar warmth meeting his skin. “I’ve caught you three times just today.”

“Alright, dad.” Soonyoung clears his throat as he slowly detaches the fingers lingering around his wrist by shaking it off and pulling it back up from where it dove halfway through his pocket. “You know, I’ve done worse.”

Minghao sighs, “You bet I do.” He uses his hand to touch the nape of his neck awkwardly, tilting his head so he can take a better look at his best friend – best man. “At the very least don’t harm yourself at my wedding.”

 

_My wedding._

The realisation still doesn’t sit right with Soonyoung. He can’t believe that his best friend of the past, one that he got off contact with almost throughout their separated college life right after they both of them graduated from high school, has finally reached this phase of life. One that Soonyoung still considers as very far ahead his vision despite of him already passed the age of where most people think that it’s also time for him to tie the knot with his chosen person.

 

“Why are you staring at me? Do I have something on my face?” Minghao asks curiously. His fingers are already tracing around his face to wipe off anything that might have got to his face.

“Nah, just thinking of how much of a fine man specimen you have become.” Soonyoung smiles sincerely, but still he hopes Minghao considers it as his usual gummy and playful smile. One that just throws a heartfelt remark, yet still comes off as a light one. “Especially in that white wedding suit of yours. You are stunning.” _Stop it_ , Soonyoung begs to his mind, but again he couldn’t help it. Not when he still remembers how his breath hitched in his throat when he first met Minghao again years after their high school graduation and noticed how Minghao has grown much taller than he is that Soonyoung feels so content knowing that it almost won’t take any effort for him to perfectly tucked his head just right under Minghao’s chin. How his physique is still lanky like it was when they were still students in uniform, but everything has grown even broader that Soonyoung feels like those pair of shoulders can shield him from any storm –  any _pain_. How Soonyoung thought that there’s no way Minghao could’ve been more perfect than he already was many years ago, but he comes back to his life and proves him wrong. Utterly, absolutely, fallacious.

 

However, when Minghao’s eyes are slowly downturned into a pair of sad and regretful looking ones, Soonyoung really wishes he could stop the time to slap the both sides of his face then rewind it to where he hadn’t decided to mutter out those words. Especially when he realises how Minghao is staring straight at him, and Soonyoung finds it nearly impossible to not stare back at him. Not when he is still very in love with Minghao, despite of knowing how wrong and blasphemous his feelings are.

 

“Stop it.” Minghao whispers. Eyes slowly tearing their piercing away from Soonyoung and on to the uninteresting ground. It’s better than having to have kaleidoscope of past being played mercilessly in the back of his head as he stared at Soonyoung just before.

“I’m sorry.” Soonyoung replies, but unlike Minghao who has stopped staring at him, Soonyoung finds it hard to do so. “I should’ve not said that. I know I should’ve not, but I–“ _Fuck it,_ he can hear both of his rational and irrational states of mind both agreeing to let Soonyoung does what he is about to do. “Back then, I lied when I say I liked you. That I had a crush on you.” Soonyoung can feel tears started to welled up around his eyes, and even more so when Minghao is back to staring at him. This time with eyes full of betrayal, but _no, that’s not what I meant_ , Soonyoung pleads internally, so he continues, “I loved you. I really did. I was so in love with you. Perhaps still do. Still am in love.” Soonyoung moves up his left arm to cover his mouth, hoping no crowd and no one except for Minghao can hear his sob from the opposite of the wall.

“Then why?” Is all Minghao can say. Soonyoung finds it hard to stare at him back, not when his eyes are blurry with tears which are already starting to fall out.

“I was afraid. Really afraid of ruining your future. Of our relationship turning bad if we were ever to break up.” Soonyoung can feel his whole body shaking all over, but this all needs to be said, or else he will live the rest of his life in much more painful regret. “But don’t get me wrong, though. Today, I’m really, _really,_ happy knowing that you have finally made a lifetime promise with someone and pretty much committed your whole life to her. She is totally a beautiful wife, and I swear to God and all heavens above, that I sincerely wish for your happiness with her.” It feels conflicting to him after he said that particular bit. As if every word is said with a sword punctured through his chest, but soon after is perfectly and properly treated. The pain is there, but it’s bearable and more relieving than it was before. “But I also really did love you back then.” He finishes his sentence with the same declaration by putting even more emphasis.

 

When all is finally said, the both of them can hear nothing but faint chatter from the crowd accompanied with clear sob from Soonyoung. Minghao is still staring at his best friend, but this time his mouth has closed off, not gaping like it did before. Just like Soonyoung, this is all too much for him to process and bear, not when realising that he was probably in love with Soonyoung, too. Not when he also realised that his feelings back then wasn’t just a simple and passing crush, but love. He _did_ love Soonyoung.

But unlike Soonyoung who is still lingering around the word ‘love’ with present tense, to Minghao it’s nothing more than the past feelings that he has buried down beneath his heart. It’s still there and Minghao won’t ever deny the fact that Soonyoung was probably the only one who he ever loved _so much_ throughout his youth, but there is nothing left worth fighting for for the both of us. Those feelings will only remain as memories that Minghao might still play back in his mind at the most random times, but there’s no way the play will ever move forward or let alone become a present reality. Not when he’s found someone that he _does_ love. Someone that resides within another particular spot in his mind and heart, whose play is and will always be rolling in continuation for as long as they are together. And Minghao has promised her a lifetime.

So, just like how Soonyoung doesn’t want to life in even more prolonged regret, Minghao decides to hug him tightly and perhaps romantically for the second to last time. He buries his face on Soonyoung’s shoulder and lets his nose inhales the scent of youthful high school student that still lingers around the shorter guy. He doesn’t say anything, but Minghao finds his body grip around Soonyoung tightening when he realises how Soonyoung starts to cry even louder and clutching on to his back like his life depends on it.

 

“Back then, I really loved you, too. Back then, I also thought and was sure that I didn’t just have a crush on you,” When Minghao feels like the grip on his back has tightened so much that he is certain his suit is wrinkling, he comfortingly starts stroking Soonyoung’s back to calm him down. “Back then, after you told me _that_ , all I could imagine in my future – our future – was the both of us laughing together in a foreign yet welcoming home. Just us, pair of puppies and perhaps a domesticated hamster, if you would like.” And they both giggle amidst the tears clouding their eyes. Yes, Minghao doesn’t even know when it exactly starts, but he can feel the hot tears ruining his make-up. 

“I loved you.” Minghao sniffs loudly as he confesses the three words Soonyoung had never thought would ever hear from him, be it in past tense. “I really did love you, too, back then, Kwon Soonyoung.” He pulled himself back yet still let the smaller hands clutching the back of his suit lay there. His cheeks are already cleared of his own tears, though he is sure that there are still some pooling around his eyes. Unlike how Soonyoung is still uncontrollably sobbing so much. The sound is faint, but judging from how shaky his body is, Minghao can tell that it’s because he holds himself back so much.

 

Knowing that this is, for sure, the very first and last chance he will ever get – they will ever get – Minghao leans in to kiss Soonyoung, and suddenly they feel like they are much shorter than they are right now. They feel like they still have the baby fat around their face, and that their hair isn’t as stylist as it should have been. They feel like the suits they are wearing are slowly turning into stained and dusted uniform that they used to wear for five days when they were in high school.

 

For a brief moment of the kiss, they are high school students again. Pair of best friends who still can’t grasp and fathom the concept of love, but are certain that they will be alright and safe and _happy_ as long as they have each other.

 

After that very brief moment, as Minghao slowly breaks the kiss in a way so tender as if he doesn’t want Soonyoung to ever forget this happened, the both of us can hear the crowd muttering a question of Minghao’s whereabouts. Soonyoung can tell how conflicted Minghao is from how he is throwing look back and forth from Soonyoung to the crowd just behind these walls, so Soonyoung does what he really needs to do by freeing himself all at once from Minghao’s embrace and tells him to wipe off his face before going back to the hall.

Soonyoung finds his eyes follow Minghao as he turns his body around to march towards where the people are looking for him. As Soonyoung watches the scene before him unfolds, at the same time, he witnesses how the both of us are gradually changing back to their present selves; physiques turn taller and firmer, baby fat around their faces are reduced, their hair going back into the styled ones that they are having, high school uniforms changing into black and white suits. Everything’s changed back to normal and to what it all is supposed to be.

 

 

Everything but the fact that Soonyoung is still very much in love with Minghao.

 

 

—

 

 _"If only I could go back,_  
_I would hold you, so you woudn’t be apart from me._  
_For even a moment, I would give you my everything._  
  
_I would."_

**Author's Note:**

> i can't believe i finished this overnight.. truly self-indulgence (of pain) at its finest, right?


End file.
